The recent news on the young Hollywood couple Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s infidelity scandal, along with so many others, got me thinking I might need to share some of my thoughts on” Surviving Infidelity”.
As a psychotherapist that specializes in working with couples, and often times infidelity, I am a believer that not only can couple’s survive infidelity, it can often be a glorious new start to your relationship. For those of you that have experienced infidelity in your relationships may be laughing reading this or may have already stopped but for those of you still reading let me explain why I believe this to be true.
First off, I experienced infidelity in my own marriage and survived. More than survived, I grew, a lot. I was able to learn a great deal about myself in my relationship and how I treated him. Much of this comes from our Families of Origin. We grow up seeing images of what marriage is and isn’t, these images become our reality of what is. Our partners see very different images and when we join as a couple, often in our early 20’s, we don’t discuss these things, we are too busy falling in love! Discussing our expectations of marriage is critical and VERY often NEVER done! Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, wrote another book called What I Wish I Knew before I got Married. It is a simple book but very powerful as it suggests having these kinds of discussions before we get married. Expectations and family of origin issues are just one part of infidelity of course but these are often what I see in my therapy room and what I experienced in my own marriage.
Understanding these things from our past and how they have infiltrated our stories about our own marriages is critical. The next step is finding your voice for what you need, want and expect in your marriage.
In our society, these critical issues are often NEVER discussed BEFORE marriage and they rear their ugly heads in forms like infidelity.
I am NOT suggesting that getting over the hurt, embarrassment, distrust or anguish of infidelity is easy but with a good therapist, good intentions and an open heart for what could be might just get you to a new, loving and open relationship you have never experienced before.
Jessica, it is a thought provoking post. I think most people won’t talk about this and I’m glad to see you writing about it – even your own experience since it most likely will help someone else out. Nothing is simply black and white. Looking forward to other comments.
Brava Jessica! I appreciate you putting this out for the world to see. I too am a firm believer that any marriage can survive infidelity if BOTH parties are willing to do the work. I too have dealt with issues of infidelity and although our 24 year marriage has come to an end, a good therapist and the willingness to work through family of origin issues and other issues that came up for me has given me great clarity, and enthusiasm for the next stage of my journey. I love Gary Chapman’s book and recommend it even if you have been married for any length of time. And its good to revisit those conversations as part of a commitment to one of the most important relationships you will ever enter into. I so appreciate your thoughts on this very important subject.
In my previous marriage, I dealt with differences in marriage expectations but didn’t realize at the time that families of origin was at play. I was young and thought that “love would overcome all.” Let’s just say I was much more informed and had many more conversations before marrying my husband last year. Every so often when we need to revisit conversations or get on the same page, I’ll open a bottle of wine turn off the tv and say “let’s talk our way through this bottle.” We still have our spats and struggles but simply being aware of the potential issues has been a huge help.
I’ll be using this post to spark another conversation at home since its good to keep the lines of communication open.
Jessica I admire your courage for posting this personal piece. And I agree that most people don’t discuss the ‘tough’ things that may appear in a relationship. It has always been interesting to me that people also don’t talk about their family of origin and how that may affect the relationship. Bottom line it comes back to communication and being willing to share the good, bad and ugly of our past and our family. It isn’t something to shy away from at any point, in any relationship. The more we know about ourselves and share openly the more successful all of our relationships will be – personal and professional.
Jessica –
Thank you for your courage and forthrightness with this post! I’m always in awe of people who are willing to get vulnerable, especially with the intent that it is of service to others. I completely agree that a couple can move past infidelity, as it is just a reflection of the dynamic the couple created together. Your clients are lucky to have you!